What is it that you fear?

I have a naturally mean looking face. Some people ask why I'm angry all the time and I really have no idea what to say about that. Anyways, naturally my testosterone driven ego uses this mean looking face of mine to create a bold, masculine image of myself. But as the truth goes, this really is just an image. Inside is a weak, self conscious, scared and pathetic little boy.

I know this because I have examined myself and what led me to this self discovery, came to me while I was visiting a one of thousands of temple shrines here in Taiwan. Taoists, much like the Greeks, have many gods. Polytheists as our language arts professors would label them. The Taiwanese people believe that by appeasing these gods, they will be able to win their favor and thus also their protection. Blessings, fortune, and good luck will be added unto their daily lives. For what these people feared most were not the more powerful gods, but rather the demons that were beneath them.

After learning this fact, I too questioned myself of what I feared, and yes, it does seem that I do also fear demons. Demons of many sorts, ubiquitous in our daily lives. For me, they come in the forms of uncertainty, self doubt, and selfishness. These demons cast their nets into our lives waiting to catch a weaker prey. With its constant feed of lies, it breaks us into its submission. I am captured by and kept by its ball and chain. The fight seems futile when a mortal man goes up against a demon. If anything, it reveals the coward that is within me pushing me further into fear.

Luckily, the story of course doesn't end hopelessly. There is logic that must be applied to diety and demons to make sense of fear and here is the logic. A truly powerful and divine being who is omni-powerful must indeed be over any that is less. Demons are among the class that are less. Thus it is reasonable to fear the more powerful rather than the less powerful. Is it then unreasonable to fear what isn't the most powerful. Is this fear a hierarchical fear, placing the divine as number one and the demons below, each deserving the amount of fear that is ordered in this structure? Food for thought, but I believe that it is more of a game of war. Thus deciding which side you are on is a decision that ultimately decides who you fear. Those who dwell in the darkness knows nothing but the darkness. They fear the demons. But those who are of the light, they fear nothing but the light.

Indeed it is written, "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding" Proverbs 9:10. But to be completely honest, I go day by day fearing my own demons. However it is comforting to also know that I don't have to. A fact that I remind myself whenever my conscious is cloudy. So I wanted to know your thoughts as well. What is it that You fear?

Lessons so far

It's been quite a while since I've done any posting. I've decided that the equipment that I have is just not adequate to keep posting videos online. It just takes too much time an effort. Rather draining...

Taiwan has been great to me. Its hospitality, including its people, have been very kind to me. I am actually going to miss it here a lot. When asked to see if I would be willing to live in Taiwan, this experience has led me to believe that I just might be able to. My Chinese has improved a lot, at least from what I believe. It does seem a bit short, but my time here is just about done and it gave me enough time to really experience an entirely different culture.

I can tell you about all the wonderful things I've seen and experienced but that's like an astronaut telling you how space travel is. It just doesn't translate from a person who's experienced it to a person who hasn't, none the less via a blog. So what I'm going to share rather are the things that I have learned. There's quite a few and I might not be able to remember them all but I'll list as many new findings as I can remember.

One of my goals during my trip is to gain an understanding of another culture. To begin, I asked the natives here what they thought about American culture and what they thought of us as a people. The most common responses are rather positive. Taiwanese people really like Americans. They think that all Americans have big houses with swimming pools. It's a cute thought but it's rather interesting. I suppose America still has somewhat of a "Golden Land" aura that grabs others in wanting to go over there.

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The following is an interesting conversation that I had with a cousin of mine. He's twelve years older than I am and thus rightfully more knowledgeable in a lot of the things that I am in. When I asked him the same question about what he thought about Americans, it led to us talking about Asian Americans. I began by telling him that I always think to myself as an American first and Taiwanese second. I was born and raised in America and thus fed and breathed everything that was America. My pride and home is in America but this news came startling to my cousin. He replied by saying, "no matter how you define yourself, Americans(white anglo-saxon Americans) will always see you as an Asian first." Whether he was right or wrong, it really wasn't the point, but it got me thinking a lot about who I am and how I define myself. I can have a whole discussion about this one, but I'll leave it at this.

The same cousin who had the previous conversation with me grabbed a friend of his to take me on a tour of his hometown of Ying Ge. We went to go pick him up and when he got into the car, Me, sitting in the passenger seat, turned around to greet him but he never gave me eye contact so I turned back awkwardly in my seat, thinking, this guy is Weird. It was my cousin who broke the ice stating that Taiwan people in general are shier than others and it is normal for them in situation like these to not greet another person. The formal greetings that we see are familiar with are reserved for family and family friends. This was indeed a very interesting idea to me. Surprisingly enough, this wasn't the first that happened. A couple times before that, going out with family and seeing their friends, their friends wouldn't greet me either. They wouldn't even give me eye contact. Taiwanese people really are not good at small talk. It is known for the guys to be shier than girls in Taiwan. I really don't know how the dating scene is in Taiwan, but if this trend is true, it doesn't look very good from a lot of aspects.

Speaking of dating, the average age of marriage has been pushing higher as the number of marriages have been getting lower. When asked why this was...the answer was due heavily to both Confucsious's teachings and the culture of Taiwan. Confuscious teaches of the pursuit of knowledge and how that goal is a righteous one. This aspiration led most parents to raise children that become book worms. They will do their kids laundry, not let them help with chores, as well as cook and pamper them with these necessities so that their kids can Only study. The culture of Taiwan also promotes the wife to do all of the house work. Keeping the house clean as well as taking care of the children is a woman's work. With little to no basic survival skills on one hand and a patriarchal system in the other, these two elements forces the women of Taiwan to not want to marry. As women begin to become more socially and economically independent, their single lives seem a lot more appealing than one that involves double responsibility of both the house and work.

There's a lot more that I would like to share with you but I think that just about wraps it up for now. I'll be writing my blogs from now on. Video takes too much effort.